I believe in the power of words, and that certain books can change your life. I’ve learned that books call to me when I’m meant to read them, when I’m ready to sit with my journal and let the words inspire or teach me as I explore what happens next.
When Sonia Choquette’s book, “Grace, Gratitude and Gifts” attracted my attention, I could have dismissed it, as I’d tried to read another book by her but had ended up setting it aside. But I have learned to trust my intuition – and I’m glad it did, for man, did change happen, and here’s how!
1. Losses create space for the lessons your soul needs
The introduction explained how she wrote the books, through automatic writing. I ask God to bless my writing now, but this was a step beyond that – it was asking God to write through you. In my journaling classes and coaching, I sometimes suggest “stream of consciousness” writing, where you just put pen to paper and see what happens for a few minutes, without judging it at the time. It can be surprising what happens in three minutes. This, however, was a much more deliberate process – one that acknowledged and accepted outside help.
So for the first time ever, I did as she suggested – and asked my Spirit Guides and Angels to guide my writing, covering me in light and love as they did this. I had no idea what would happen when I started to write, and I didn’t expect to find it was the words that came were the story of the end of my first marriage.
A story that is all-ways my story in the same way all the other players have their story and version of events, but I can only tell my own story, with respect for theirs. The story poured out, but in a different way than I’d expected. It was still a story of three people in a marriage, invisibility, a dutiful wife on a lonely pedestal with lots of masks and lists of what not-to-do’s. A story of someone thinking they were living from the light but where all the light got snuffed out so all I saw was a tunnel with no light at the end, darkness. I was unseen, unheard, and unloved, a woman with no boundaries who was fenced in by her culture and beliefs but who found that a culture cannot box you in or stop your heart seeking love and appreciation, for it is love or fear that drives us almost anywhere. It was also a story of a darkness that was almost self-extinguished in despair, where hope could not be found and options could not be seen. It was a story that meant that appreciation was the spark that meant I’d lose my home, my job, my community, my church communities, and almost all of my friends – but as my youngest daughter said when I shared this all with her for the first time, it was a story where I had lost myself. It was a story that still defined me, as I was stuck there with the glues of regret and shame, guilt and anger, hurt and fear. But as I wrote, the story unexpectedly moved to the future – and I was grateful for losing all of these things as well as who I had been, because it created space for all that is so good in my life. I found that this gratitude and perspective gave me much peace.
2. Opening and Closing Doors
Yet that night, I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t feeling well, but it wasn’t that – it was the really strong smell of faeces, like the toilet was blocked, and a feeling of overwhelm and heaviness. I was sure the others in the house could smell it, it was so strong, yet no-one commented on it, so I didn’t feel I could. When I’d put my head on the pillow, it was particularly strong, so sleep escaped me. At 2 a.m. in the morning, I googled it – and read that smells like this might suggest evil or negative spirits and at that point, this made perfect sense to me given how I was feeling.
So I prayed for protection and searched for an answer again, and found blessings/prayers to use to protect me and my family and house – and the smell disappeared and I slept. This happened again the next night, and I did the same and commanded whatever was there to go, as I was living in love and light and peace and joy and there was no space for it. I felt that in asking my spirit guides and angels to work through me, I had also opened an energetic door where things that were less than totally positive could enter. I needed to shut this door firmly, so I did.
3. A Profound Experience in Grace
The book is a series of daily readings, mantras, prayers and blessings. On my third morning, with my heart cracked open, I read this.
“I humbly ask you to bestow your all-empowering grace upon me this day so that I find the power to forgive those who have hurt or injured me in the past, even though I still feel the pain of their injuries to me. Allow me the grace to stop dwelling in the past, and to release all moments from my mind and emotions where I have perceived myself to be wronged and felt hurt, whether or not the events that passed were meant to personally assault me. I humbly ask for your holy grace to give me the ability to let bygones be bygones, and to free my mind permanently of any memory of wrongdoing, whether at my expense or caused by me. I ask for your holy grace to release me from all guilt or shame that is the result of my own wrongdoing or wrong thinking in the past, so that I may forgive myself fully and learn from my mistakes but not be held hostage by them.”
As I read on, I actually felt that prayer in every fibre of my body; it was a prayer from my heart. And amazingly, wonderfully, I found myself forgiving many of the key figure who had hurt me, and letting bygones be bygones. More than that, I found myself blessing them and asking that they would also all love, light, peace, happiness – and love. It was a profound experience in grace that I am still smiling at – and this too is my story. Namaste