A quote from one of my favourite authors on authenticity. “Years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I’d smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren’t cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That’s the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you’ve abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.” Martha Beck
Well, I guess if I say I’m going to allow myself to be vulnerable, I have to cope with the anxiety that brings. The not sleeping with various thoughts in my head of “oh my goodness, what if people hate it”, “what if they think I’m.. (fill in a myriad of blanks), what if I’m being stupid. What if really bad things happen and I’ve put myself out there and then can’t practice what I preach? Or don’t. On the basis of my post yesterday (reposted in a few other places) what about those who just read it and went “oh for goodness sake” or “she’s talking a lot of nonsense” or “who does she think she is?” Aye, that was a biggie. And then I realised as I was driving along that I was simply focussing on negatives, and wasting energy, particularly on the imagined negatives. I’m not going to inspire everyone; not everyone will agree with what I say or like what I say – or like me. And now that is actually ok – there are many who will, and that’s what I need to concentrate on! And then I thought about the email I’d sent out with the numerology information asking for feedback on it; I know that was risky as I was asking people to be honest with me; if they agreed with the negatives, they were to tell me, as there are things in my life that I can’t see that may need changing. And yet, the one thing that really staggered me was that the point I totally accepted – that I needed to work on my compassion – was the point universally that people did not agree with. Of all the feedback I got, that was the most surprising part – I’m already compassionate. Yet I didn’t see it – and I saw clearly this morning that I didn’t see what I wasn’t practising for myself. Well there you are. I stated I was prepared to be vulnerable, and now I’m beginning to see why there ARE gifts of imperfection, as Brene Brown writes about. I would not have put two and two together had I not risked asking people for their opinion of me – or risked accepting what they had to say. Whew, this is a steep learning curve for me at the minute!